9/9/14
Drivers,
From time to time you encounter a trail of white
stripes across the street... You most likely have seen these stripes
accompanied by geometric yellow signs depicting circle-headed, awkwardly stiff and mid-stride shadow people. It is well known that conscious avoidance can
develop into repression, particularly when faced with disorienting and eerie circumstances
and/or representations… I mean… have you ever seen such a perfectly rounded ghost
noodle? And, also... what? No neck? What is supporting that skull-sphere? A 7th
grade science fair project using the negative side of two magnets? What about
those footless stumps?… Isn’t that uncomfortable? Does Scholl’s even make a
custom-fit insert for that? Maybe cut off the toe and heel ends of the flat
foot model? Beyond comfort… is a quick, yet steady, gait even achievable? Maybe
that’s why the shadow folk’s stride appears so forced?
Wait… could it be maybe that the sign means to alert drivers to disfigured Canadians
in the neighborhood? No? Oh...
Anyway… usually some sort of light or reflector
accompanies the ‘beware of freak Canadian’ signs and white-stripped pavement-
be it on the street, signs, or both... This trifecta may sound familiar… Light,
sign, stripes?... Stripes, sign, light? Sign, stripes, light? Stripes, light,
sign? Almost...
Almost…. warmer…. Use that noggin!!! You’re almost there!!!.... Warmer…
hot… hotter.... Oh… Oh!... DING!
DING! DING! DING! SCOLDING! KUDDOS FOR PULLING THAT OH SO “UNRELATED-TO-ME-BECAUSE: SURBURBAN-BITCH!” FACT-NUGGET OUDDA
THAT STONED DRIVER’S ED 16 YEAR OLD MEMORY! What is a... CROSSWALK!
Yes, in your defense, a lot of road signs are
superfluous... i.e ‘Watch for falling rock.’ OK... What good is watching for this
alleged singular rock-of-doom going to do when the founding father and first
legislative author of physical ed, Albert Newton, clearly defined lots of equations with letters/symbols in
them proving that you are, in this very circumstance, undoubtedly SCREWED! You know... because of motion, and mass,
and speed, and energy, vectors, gravity, and perception, and what not and the like. BUT…
PEDESTRIANS ARE NOT COMPERABLE TO THE ELLUSIVE
AND OMNIMOUS ROCK-OF-DOOM…
1 OUT OF EVERY 4 AMERICANS IS A PEDESTRIAN…
CUZ… Think about it... think about it… UNDER 16! Then add the elderly, the poor,
the urbanites and other lifestyle populations, the disabled, the driving phobic,
the person who locked their keys in the car or dropped them down the elevator
shaft that morning… PEDESTRIANISM IS NOT RARE OR ELLUSIVE. There is a 1 in
5,000+ chance of dying by “being struck by or striking an object,” under which
“falling rock” is categorized, compared to a 1 in 749 chance of being hit by a
car. CONSEQUENTLY, I URGE YOU TO PLEASE WATCH FOR FALLING ROCK STANDING CROSSWOCK.
Here, let me tug at your heartstrings with tired rhetoric: THE PEDESTRIAN is your MOTHER (maybe), your
SISTER (every 4th or you), your GRANDMA (depends, 50% chance one of
them, at least, I think), your NEICE (eventually, probably, if you have one),
your AUNT (same as niece)… THE PEDESTRIAN IS ONE OF THOSE FOUR
TUMMY-QUADRUPLET-BABY-FETUSES IN YOUR BELLY DUE ANY DAY NOW!
SO (long short/the takeaway): When you see yellow circle-head signs, lights, and white stripes (and it is not on or near the annual geometry Christmas party with Jack and Meg), or lights, signs
and stripes, or stripes, lights, or signs, or just lights and signs or signs
and stripes or stripes and lights or just lights, just signs, or just stripes…
THINK ABOUT YOUR PEDESTRIAN-DESTINED TUMMY-QUADRUPLET-BABY-FETUS!
That is… don’t speed up and then honk at me to
walk faster (I already am not a lollygagger). Don’t flick me off and/or throw up your hands in dismay. Don’t curse
at me for costing you the 10 seconds by which you miss Vanna White’s
frozen-smile statue-wave outtake preceding the evening headlines. Generally, don’t
attempt to intimidate me because you are in a vehicle. I have the right-away,
and you… you have the right to a feeble attempt to mask (feed) that
Napoleon complex by way of Suburban or Hummer, which comes with the
You also have the privilege of me being so damned NICED OUT/UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD-ED OUT at the end of the day,
that, if you act a-fool when I am crossing the crosswalk, I WILL:
- Slow down to a Sunday stroll pace
- Slow down to slower than a Sunday stroll pace
so I can find/check my phone/Facebook/write an email/read Moby Dick
- ‘Accidently’ drop my phone, and then
‘accidentally’ drop my sunglasses as I pick up my phone
- Continue this series of unfortunate events by getting my bracelet 'caught' on the pocket liner when shoving the dropped phone into said
pocket, turning it inside out, thus throwing my phone to the ground again AND scattering my day’s change, WOOPSY DAISY!
- Feign a difficult time picking up each dime
because I just cut my fingernails
- Turn slowly to face you, no side-eye about
it, directly in front of your car, in the middle of the crosswalk, and
dish the coldest look of disapproval ever known- an expression of disapproval so soul-piercing,
so guilt-inducing and gut-wrenching, so belittling, so full of pity and
disgust, that even a Jewish mother would shrink, regress, and need 15 years on Freud's couch
- Flash a huge grin and saunter away
PLEASE DON’T REPORT ME TO THE BOARD FOR BEING
UNSOCIAL WORKY DUE TO POSSESSING QUESTIONABLE INTEGRITY
-Verna
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